Mmm what is everyone going to think of me when the truth comes out. Public perception that’s one of the big fears I was facing. I had used up all my energy creating his ideal facade, there is NO WAY anyone we know is going to believe what i’m about to contradict.
The dirty secret I’ve been keeping, all the re-direction, made up stories and explanations will be exposed. At the time this was the last thing only mind, because I was already isolated and alone, no-one knew the truth except my therapist and the support workers helping guide me towards leaving this abuse. It’s only years later I look at my daughter, what if she ever found herself in my shoes in the future?
Instantly I am without judgement or reservation in what I think, how I feel and or what to do for her…
Or indeed anyone woman suffering abuse. There should only be room for compassion, empathy, gentle loving kindness — all the things we have been stripped of by our abuser. Hey support workers here’s a warning to heed: expect a revolt when first offering all this positive support because we fear everything we don’t know. We want to trust and accept, but the fear caused by years of abuse and wired thinking patterns completely takes over, I know I struggled to accept the help that was on offer.
That and the shame. OH THE SHAME. If only I had a magic genie… that would be my wish.
So yeah I won’t BS you, it takes another coating of armour to weather the onslaught of questions and queries from everyone ( you know the ones you do and don’t know but include in all association with him). That’s where your abuser waits to play their A game of victim and not just privately with you, and in my experience wow this a souped up version, I was never quite prepared for. One of the best most amazing experiences I can share with you in my whole ride is … when those “friends” turn around and can feel how whole and real I was in my recovered state. They would say “Wow how good do you look”. Enjoy the confused look in their eyes as they try reconcile this new reality, shouldn’t I be the victim and hang my head in shame and fear.
For me it’s now about 2 years past the ‘break up” I kept my slate clean, I removed all people in common but life has a way of bringing both sides together especially when co-parenting in schools. Wow there’s so much power in saying nothing, so much power in being your true self. So much power in being kind and polite in all interactions. It’s not about winning, first up.It’s about taking their power away, and feeling like you can be yourself; I am truly happy and all my gifts are in the form of arriving at the place where I can be myself; publicly, privately and personally . It’s about healthy BOUNDARIES.(A LOT more to come on that subject)
Regardless of what he does and doesn’t do, It no longer affects me. I didn’t arrive at this wondrous peaceful place alone, it took many therapists and support people to guide and question my motives, lots of alone time to reflect in all the forms of “self care” (A LOT more to come on that subject too !!)
So today, I’m all about being your champion in paving a smoother path to use towards public acceptance and understanding being a survivor and thriver after DV. Right now I feel like everything I do is in vane, I BELIEVE there is no room to feel shame finding yourself in this cycle of violence. I will not stop my efforts in lobbying for transparency, education and investigation into a better outcome for victims to turn that around to become survivors. More support is in needed in funding “Recovery and Finding Me “ programs and investing in our future with preventative measures with the school program “Love bites”.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE, better still join us and help build the army we need to march alongside us in true strength of saying yes I was abused but I am not ashamed, I am loveable and I survived.
We are here to help guide you YOU ARE NOT ALONE.